MOTHERHOOD and its humanising effect
I decided to kick off The Great Equalizer’s blog posts with a wake up call... My own wake up call. Isn’t that what parenting really is? Getting kicked upside the head when you even start to think that you’ve got your shit together? Getting the rug pulled out from under you the second you let yourself get the slightest bit smug?
I was cut down to size last night by popular SA mom blogger, Judy McGregor, AKA Mamma Bear of Fun Mamma SA fame. Always cheerful and positive, this amazing woman has, like myself, a two-year-old toddler who she blogs about.
However, she actually has a total of seven (SE-VEN) offspring, including her toddler, four adults and two teens, one of whom she wrote about last night:
Some of you may know 2 of my son's have Aspergers which has been a challenging journey on it's own .
The younger one is currently 17, going on 35 ( rolling my eyes)
He is battling his own demons and trying to understand his world. He is trying to come to terms with his father's lack of interest and effort in his life and the death of a friend to suicide to name a few of 2018 hurdles.
I've tried patience. I've tried love. I've tried silence. I've tried discussions.I've remained calm as he has sworn and broken things and screamed. I've ignored alot and picked my battles.
This isn't easy...... I spent 20 years in a physical, verbal and emotionally abusive relationship with his father and I hate that i see so many traits that are similar.
Some days are harder than others as i know i taught him better. I know he doesn't live like this in our home. I know he's loved and we want to include him but he pushes us away.
I see his father in him and I often have to remind myself to see the behaviour as an expression of pain and loss of control and not a personal attack on me .
But today I lost it ! I chased him out the house and told him to return with some respect.
I pick my battles and as he threw a tantrum because it was time for his friend to go home I was calm. I heard him throwing things upstairs. I heard glass breaking in his room one by one and I listened calmly as he swore at me telling me what a rotten mother I was .... And then he broke one of my ornaments by throwing it down the stairs .
That was enough!
Whilst I can understand being emotionally upset , I can accept that for the most part he only takes his moods out on me and he was trying to get his own way ....I'm really tired of the verbal abuse. I also won't stand for destruction of other people's things .
After I chased him out until he finds respect, I was furious. I still am.
He has been raised better than his behaviour. He's a good kid but he is making really silly choices.
As his mother I can only guide him. I can't make him choose the right path but i can voice my disgust at disrespect and destruction.
I can discipline him through loving him enough to show him what's wrong.
Well guys, if that doesn’t cut you down to size, then I don’t know what will.
My thoughts? How could I forget that my angelic Elijah will one day be 17? With a gross Adam’s Apple and questionable bathroom behavior? How could I forget to remember that parenting doesn’t stop at mastering early childhood development milestones and “doing potty training right”.
Isn’t it crazy how so many moms (myself included) fuss about parenthood like we actually know what it’s about? Huh. This post made me realize that I honestly have no fucking idea.
Hats off to you, Mamma Bear, for coming to the circus and owning the arena like the ringmaster you are. One thing I do know about parenthood is, it’s bloody crazy and terrifying and heartsore. It’s also gratifying and beautiful and meaningful.
Thank you for showing us the ugly side too, and for the important reminder that none of us have our shit together all the time, and that’s okay too.
We see you, Judy, and we salute you. You are doing an amazing job. We hope your baby, 17 though he is, has come back to you.