BIRTHDAY PARTY 101: Your definitive survival guide to kids’ birthdays


So… kids’ birthday parties. I’m totally lying about this being any sort of guidebook or survival guide to navigating birthdays. I keep telling you guys that we at The Great Equalizer don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. We’re just like you, dude. Effing clueless. 

However, we did have a lot to cover in this podcast episode. And we have some thoughts left over (believe it or not). So, essentially, what did we learn? 

1)  We learnt that we spent way too much money on our kids’ first birthdays, and we’ll probably do it all over again for subsequent birthdays, while berating ourselves for buying into the hype and bitching about how fucking ridiculous society’s standards have become.


2)  We learnt that you can’t really call yourself an 80s girl-kid unless, at some point, you partied with poff-moutjies, knee-high frilly socks and a cheap Checkers Barbie cake.


3)  We learnt that it doesn’t matter how young, poor or terrible at baking our Moms were – our birthdays were always and we love those old bats like crazy for putting in all that effort.


4)  We learnt that we need to be more like nine-year-old Charlene, who didn’t give two fucks if anybody actually wanted to partake in her crazy-ass over-the-top Barbie wedding birthday party. She was happy so what else actually mattered on her big day? Similarly, you do you, gal. Make sure you’re happy, make sure your kid is happy and… fuck the rest.


5)  We learnt that we need to be more like mommy instagrammer Ayanda of Thee_BlackGeisha and tell it like it is. Picnics not your vibe? Don’t be shy to say so. Also, those that love you shouldn’t take it personally when you tell them that the ugly AF clown you had at Pietie’s fourth birthday might not be your jam – and that’s okay too. Can I also just add that this lady had a mobile masseuse at the party for the moms. If that doesn’t spell E.X.T.R.A to you, then I’m not hanging out with the right crowd. Run, don’t walk to befriend this chick before next year’s epic shindig.

6)  We learnt that we need to be more like Being Me Jen, who decided to cut the bullshit and axe the anxiety from her life. She also forgave herself for forgetting to get her kid cake on his big day. I’m taking a page out of that book, girl. Not having a birthday party may not be right for everyone, but it was right for Jen at the time, and we applaud anyone who sees what’s right for them and makes a beeline towards self-care and sanity.

We promised you a link-up to her blog, so here it is.

7)  Lastly, we learnt that #nojudgies still reigns supreme. You do you, Mama. As always, we are all on board for you to be the best version of yourself. If that means putting on the Pinterest party of the decade, go for it (just don’t forget to send an invite, we need to Instagram that shit). If that means you stick a candle in some French toast and keep things low-key, you have our blessing (for what it’s worth).


Wherever you find yourself on the Pinterest spectrum, if at all, we see you. We salute you. You are doing a great job.


Stay strong, Mom (or Dad!)